Then Again Maybe I Won’t

16 Dec

Beloved was chatty this morning…and my god, my heart hurts.

You only come to see yourself when you part with the grief you know. You have to write to get to the truth.

I ache, physically. What is this? Delayed train wreck? Yesterday was pretty good and then “BAM”. I think the big thing is that I know I will be going home in three days, and then I will have to deal with life face on. To be sure, I am tiring of being alone for the most part. I went to hear jazz at Gaffers Sports Pub last night, the only event in town. And while I had a terrific time, I was reminded that I am middle aged. When men try to chat me up but resemble what I might think of as somebody’s grandfather and then I realize they are at the top end of my peer group, I feel like a slow cold death would be preferable to what my life is going to look like. How many red hats can I own? I am not that old…I’m just NOT.

NO cats. I will not be little old cat lady in 20 years.

But the music was good. I enjoyed it and the new people I have met. More than anything I wish I could learn how to be happy alone. I don’t know that I can do it. Honestly, I really don’t. I mean I like myself and most aspects of my life as most people do, but I am not happy alone. I loathe it.

OK, shut up. Yes, I wanted this time to be alone. I needed it and to be sure there are moments where it’s preferable to company. But I wish I could be one of those type of single forty-somethings that has a faaaaabulous life…doing faaaaabulous things…and being awfully happy about it. No husband. No children. Lots of friends.

Gee, I have such a fulfilling life without intimate relationships! (cheesy grin)….NOT.

Today, I am not particularly verbose. I feel kicked in the chest again and I’m tired of it. There is shopping to do at galleries and maybe a walk or two. I am not happy this morning, not inspired. I’m wanting a good workout and some hope. Maybe I’ll find some on my walk. I’m sure I’ll cry before the day is out and be puffy once again. Nothing’s going to fix this is seems some days.

Somebody, tell me it’s going to all work out okay, because right now. I can’t see it. Right now, I want to go crawling back to something I know isn’t good for me, and I suppose that is giving my power away. I need more clarity and a path back home. That’s the worry now. What will I do when I get home?

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