The Green Eyed Monster

22 Dec


That’s what it has become. True and unbelievable guilt.

This morning I awoke to a crushing sensation of self abandonment and guilt. As if everyone has suddenly disliked me for having done this. I erased or hid every single semblance of this D.C. trip from Facebook. It’s as if I didn’t deserve to have an emotional crisis. Oh, excuse me, “spiritual awakening”. If I had been ill, had a gall bladder operation, broken my leg, developed shingles, there would not been the least amount of question of whether I deserved to take off of work nine days. Nine whole days after 18 years.

Yes, I ran away to Ocracoke.

Yes, I’m in Washington D.C.

I’m sure it does look like I went off to go have a vacation because my life, sigh, just became too tough.

Poor baby Cyndi…must be nice to just be weak and beg off.

What about the 350+ papers I will have to grade starting the day after Christmas?

What about the fact that I have denied Christmas’ existence this year? Yes, go ahead and be jealous that I went to a deserted island for nine days and now I’m tooling about the Capitol totally alone, trying to eek out some semblance of normalcy so I can go back and face my kids and my peers without being a mess. Go back home and kiss your husbands and your wives and snuggle up with them and your children and envy the hell out of my solo life.

Envy my empty bed, my empty arms, my empty house.

Be completely bitter that I avoided exam week while you sit by your Christmas tree and open gifts with those who hold your heart in precious trust.

Be pea green over the knowledge that I have forgiven my ex-husband for celebrating his second Christmas with a 20 year old girl.

You have every right to be covetous of my aging face, my dwindling bank account, my aging mother, grandmother, and aunt whom I am solely responsible for when they will come toward death from the next five to twenty years. Yeah, be jealous you have no siblings and no children to encumber you.

Freedom! It’s free?

Go ahead be pea green. My life is amazing.

Be jealous.

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