Destination Unknown

26 Dec

 

Beloved woke me this morning in conversation with the unknown…

You are like deep deep water, I cannot see through your depths. I want to see, but I’m afraid of what I will find. Of what is there, or not there. And I am more afraid of what’s not there.

I am afraid of what I won’t see in your dark places.

These days, I awaken in conversation.  There are things I need to say, need to understand.

I keep repeating: Let it go. Let it go.

And yet, I can only let go so much without leaving entirely.

This is stolen time; I know it. In a mere week, I pray that Beloved will still speak. I’m afraid she will not. She comes in that space between asleep and awake with word dreams. I listen and try to learn.

Here I sit at Hollywood Bakery in Roanoke the day after Christmas. I can’t stay in my mother’s house longer than a day without going slightly mental. My grandmother’s failing memory and my mother who cannot be silent for longer than five minutes have driven me here for solitude. I never thought I’d crave solitude, but now.. oh now I do…I WANT to be alone. But alone anywhere else other than in my own home. I go out to be alone. I know that sounds insane. To be in solitude among a room of strangers is the habit now. And, I have judged others unfairly who do the same thing. I understand them better now. I have no idea how to handle not having time to write every morning over coffee, every evening over dinner, every night in discussion with my own soul.

I must learn though, how to be in life. I must remember the connection of Ocracoke and the desire to slow my life for a while. I have begun to understand the contemplative life, the shy life, so much more. This image that Beloved gives me of a deep stand of water, of not being able to see to its dark depths, teaches me about others and myself. I have been so open and honest, so free with the view of my most authentic interior, that others have plundered me like Tolkien’s  dwarves of Khazadum. And in those depths, have they awakened something in the deep?

Is there something now which desires to hide, to be selfish, to cover tenderness and vulnerability? It’s strikes me that the more I reveal to others, the more they cannot handle the view. And in letting them see my authentic self, what is it that they see that is so disturbing? So unusual? It seems almost a gift to be able to muddy the waters now, to let my arm flow through the murky depths and stir the sand so that none can see. I hide now. I have learned to hide in plain sight behind a notebook and a camera. I don’t even know if my kids will be able to see me when I go back. I LIKE being a ghost.

I’m so tired still and all I really want to do is be quiet and dwell inside this deep ocean. The “fake it till you make it” philosophy just can’t work for me any longer. My mom tells me, “You just need a positive attitude Hun. Everything will be better. Just think positive and the whole situation will look different”

Yeah, ummmm….that’s what got me here Mom. That whole “Attitude is what is most important. Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it” bullshit. Yeah, that’s what numbed me to the point of having a breakdown.

I want to feel what I feel and get it over with. I want to climb out of the depths of this cavern with one fistful of my own mithril and begin a hopeful walk once again. I need to be quiet. I need to be at peace. I need to see unseen sights alone….alone.

I want to get in the car and drive all night and sit upon a bench which proclaims a destination unknown, for that is how I feel.

As if I am watching a ship of an old life sail toward an unknown destination. I want to sit there and wait and see what life will come. I want to sit there a long long while and wait, alone.

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