Finding the Heart

21 Jan

The greatest wisdom is in simplicity. Love, respect, tolerance, sharing, gratitude, forgiveness. It’s not complex or elaborate. The real knowledge is free. It’s encoded in your DNA. All you need is within you. Great teachers have said that from the beginning. Find your heart, and you will find your way. ― Carlos Barrios, Mayan elder and Ajq’ij of the Eagle Clan

There’s nothing like making a commitment to a year of smoother sailing because that’s just the sort of dare the Universe needs to send in a few more swells. The first three weeks of 2015 have served up a volley of big breakers, mostly of the financial sort. However, my experiencing of them has changed a great deal. Perhaps it’s the nature of the challenges or simply that I know a little more about surfing, but in three short weeks I’m definitely not handling issues in the same old way: head down, braced, wide- eyed and tight jawed.

Two surprise IRS notices within the first week rolled into a Sunday afternoon broken bottom molar which now demands an expensive crown by the end of February. Then, Clarence’s eye needed costly veterinary attention on top of his previous visits in December for a sprained back. It seemed financial waves of a respectful magnitude were rippling out in swell upon swell and as soon as I took a deep breath, another wave covered my head. But underwater, came a different view. I saw much more clearly inside the swell. In the midst of these new waves, somehow it just felt right to simply let go.

I began to float in the terrifying but beautiful grace of what IS.

I stopped swimming. I didn’t care about what would come next. Strangely enough, the motion of events began to bear my weight, carrying me wherever it wanted. Something within wound down into a simplicity that’s hard to define. This feeling was absent of the usual guilt or pressure of “doing” before time runs out or “fixing” so that future sailing will be smooth.  I began to see and embrace a pretty big truth . . . believing that I am the conductor of my life’s concerto does not serve me. For truly, I am at the mercy and grace of whatever IS.

All that I hope for…
All that I need…
All that I am …

Not mine. . . to direct or to control.

“Okay,” I said to the sky.  “You take care of it. What would you have me do?”

The response was an intense sense of peace and a conviction that I am not a failure for my present inability to resolve the issues in my life which cause me the most emotional stress. Once I acknowledged that I didn’t know what to do and furthermore stopped caring about “doing” anything. ..events began to occur which showed precisely where to go. A knowing that I could trust what IS to take me exactly where I need to be settled in. And then, synchronicity after synchronicity erupted out of the surrender.

Post holidays, I’ve been teaching personal writing, trying to relay to students the value in connecting with others’ experiences. To not only tell their own stories, but truly hear and appreciate other people’s. They’ve been engaging deeply, way beyond my expectations. As I sifted through a pile of student generated sticky notes, one question emerged from the others, a metaphor resonating clearly against my own present. There are no accidents.
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In sitting with this question for days, I realized the need to pare down the rind of my professional ego and allow the love I have for my craft and for my students to reemerge. For they have shown me that the heart is the source of surrender. And the changes in my professional life over which I have no control, I need to open to and allow. Before this journey, the erroneous idea I had that to give 100% to my job and the endless pursuit of professional perfection would ensure the security of sameness, had to be let go of like the tail of a constantly vigilant cobra poised at rapturous attention. And the cynicism which came like poison after the serpent’s departing bite now needs the healing light of love.

Random synchronous messages of care and support from previous students over the last week have shown me that I’ve been working within my purpose all along, even in the last three years where I have felt like I didn’t give anything to my profession except a fight to escape my calling. But surprisingly, the journey might just be about fitting Beloved into the picture… to fully balance all of my gifts and desires… writing, art, dance… spirituality and wisdom seeking. What better Teacher could I be than to live life fully and well? That’s a walking testament to the gift of presence and to the enormous power of following one’s bliss. Finding the bliss in teaching again may not be completely possible, but I think it’s my path for now.

These weeks have reminded me that love is simple, something I “learned” on the island in 2012, but tend to forget when I become tangled in the desire for a personal companion. Now, though, in the light of all this I’m beginning to love what IS. Because I need yoga to balance the load of a fully integrated life, I arranged to have practice once weekly in our campus library. My need was answered in such a way that others could also benefit. To me, that is how the Universe truly works.  One of my previous students is our instructor. After our first class, she turned to me with an enormous smile.

“I never thought I’d come back to this place doing what I most love and for those who had such influence on me. The energy of this whole situation makes me so happy.” She hugged me tightly in joyful exuberance.

“Everyone seemed to really enjoy today.” I said, “There will be more next week. You know, I need this type of energy in the building.”

It was easy to acknowledge to her that the core of what I do: guide, shape, explain, serve . . .requires at least an hour a day of self-care. It requires me to love myself, first. And what the system does not provide for me, I must demand for myself.

Someone sent me flowers three days ago anonymously. It has been a long time since I’ve received flowers. And even though they aren’t of romantic intent, they made me so happy because someone loved me..and I let them. And in turn it replenishes what I have to give to others.

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I’ve never written much about my intimate life, mainly because personal boundaries are necessary in a public medium. But having spent the majority of the last few years without an intimate partner, I see the purpose of the time spent essentially with no one else to learn about and love other than myself. It may not have been my choice, but it was my path. I had to know how being treated well physically, emotionally, spiritually felt quite deeply. And no other but the self can teach that. I had to learn, heal and grow into my own emotional intimate space…to learn what gives me joy, as well as what connects me to that which is beyond me. I had to learn how to find intended paths and also the lessons of unintended ones.

Now what I seem to be learning are the nuances of my own heart and the power it has to direct my life and being. I’m going to be honest here…it’s hard. It’s hard to see couples walk hand in hand down the street or to see fluffy white wedding photos in my social media feed or the inevitable yearly arrival of the shiny red heart season.

It’s hard to go to events not appropriate for singles with a friend of the same gender. It’s hard to have friends of the opposite gender that don’t fit into more than the platonic role.

It’s hard on a sunny January afternoon to see a pair of small sparrows in the bush bedside me begin their nest.

I’m grateful… But it’s really hard.

So I had a talk with the Universe driving home yesterday from a typical wayfarinlass afternoon: picnic, music, writing, dog, table for one.

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I voiced to the air this difficulty. And the message returned was pretty startling.

“How will you ever trust a significant other, if you don’t first trust that you will and always have received what you need at the right time? No accidents?”

So I’m working on trusting that sense of surrender…of letting go. To let go of the pinching thought that life’s sweetness within me now, a heart which emotes so much joy and love at a simple moment, that all of that might pass away unshared.

“But I’m at my best right now.” I say in justification.

“You are at your best in every moment of conscious living” …is the answer I received. “What you need to learn is the power of your own heart.”

Ok.

New journey.

New way of seeing the road.

love

One Response to “Finding the Heart”

  1. Ngobesing Romanus January 21, 2015 at 2:53 PM #

    This is a great blog. Very inspiring indeed! Many great thoughts in this post.’You are at your best in every moment of conscious living.”

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